Look, it’s totally normal to feel a sense of stagnation—a seven-year itch, if you will—if you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage. Being with another person for an entire lifetime is no joke, people.
But what is the seven-year itch, exactly? In short, it’s the notion that after seven years of marriage (or a long AF relationship), you start to get unhappy with your partner, says Gigi Engle, resident Womanizer sexologist and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.
While it’s normal to feel a little...itchy...after a while, there’s no alarm that goes after seven years on the dot. “The idea that you'd feel this way at some innocuous point in time is complete BS,” says Engle. “You're not going to get bored in your marriage or your sex life if you commit to keeping it fresh and interesting.” Problem is, it’s all too easy for your relationship to fall to the bottom of your priority list as you juggle work, kids, and other, more pressing, responsibilities. It happens, but it doesn’t need to.
Other experts agree that the seven-year itch isn’t really a set point in time when your relationship is doomed to collapse, but instead an idea that represents how you and your long-term bae aren't on the same wavelength. “Some couples get stuck in dysfunctional patterns that make them feel disconnected and listless,” says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in Honolulu, Hawaii. “Some may desire to end their relationship while others will remain together, work through it, and grow stronger as a result.”
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So how can you prevent or resolve this kind of relationship slump? Read on for expert-approved tips that will keep your itch from developing into a full-on rash.
1. Get a second opinion
Before you jump to any conclusions about whether or not you're fed up with your current long-term relationship, Brito suggests consulting a therapist or close friend about your situation. Sometimes it’s hard to see the *real* problem from the inside, and talking it out with a third-party allows you to sort through any messy feelings before you articulate them to your partner.
2. Write it out
It’s also helpful to journal your feelings, says Brito. Writing your thoughts down offers clarity without having to dish them out loud or drop major $$$ on therapy. What do you love about your partner? What went wrong? Be honest about the positives and negatives here. Your journal doesn't judge.
3. Don’t be shy
Communicating your needs is a crucial part of maintaining a healthy long-term relationship, says Brito. If you want to bring up feelings of stagnation to your S.O., she suggests going about it verrry carefully. Use ‘I statements’ that make you accountable for the feelings you’re having and avoid placing blame on your partner. Focus on listening to your partner’s unmet emotional needs when it’s their turn to talk without becoming defensive. This goes both ways, K?
4. Consider couples counseling
If you decide that the relationship is worth fighting for, Brito suggests booking recurring couples therapy sessions. Doing so will help the two of you create a plan for moving forward with the help of an expert. You’ll also have a calm, unbiased moderator for when uncomfortable or heated discussions inevitably arise.
5. Or sex therapy
If your issues are mostly bedroom-based, look into a therapist who specializes in sex. Yes, they exist! If you've tried exploring physical intimacy on your own, and it hasn't panned out, there's no shame in getting a little bit of outside help. “As a team, you can find solutions that don't result in an affair or a breakup,” says Engle.
6. Try an open relationship
This one def isn’t for every couple, but some feel that they need to go outside of the relationship in order to add spice to their sex lives, and you're better off doing so together if that's the case.
Exploring the boundaries of an open relationship, polyamory, or threesomes are a viable solution to feelings of sexual boredom, if agreed upon by both parties. “This newfound aspect of your relationship can look like anything you want,” Engle explains. “What's important is that you discuss your desires and fantasies with your partner.” From there, make sure you establish some ground rules. Threesomes only? No friends? No kissing? That’s the difference between honest openness and an affair that ruins everything.
7. Explore with toys or kink
Shop for vibrators, handcuffs, and lingerie with your S.O. online or in-store. Surprises have their place, but shopping together will build up excitement. Talk to your partner about what you've been wanting to add to your routine—a productive and sexy convo.
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8. Try role-playing
If you read #6 and thought, never in a million years, there are other ways to introduce an element of excitement into your 'ship. Role-playing is a classic, and you can scale up or scale down depending on your comfort level. Example: Start with some dirty talk before splurging on costumes, or pretend to be your younger self if you're improv skills feel a little rusty. Where did you meet seven years ago?
9. Schedule sex
No one likes to hear this, but scheduling sex can be a great solution to a dry spell—and even hot! Think about it: You have all day to get in the mood and you're less likely to be stressed and distracted because, well, you planned for this.
